Dear freshmen,
Welcome to Columbia!
Many students cite the school’s location in New York City as a major attraction. Now that you’re actually here, though, you may be feeling overwhelmed. With a slew of tourist spots and activities to check out, where should you begin?
Here are some must-dos in NYC that even our beloved New Student Orientation Program (NSOP) may not cover:
1. Coffee at Blank Street
A traditional coffee pot takes an entire minute to boil. Tech-y Blank Street, meanwhile, offers fast, automatic espresso machines that can whip out 700 cups an hour! It’s also owned by private equity, so you know every last coffee sleeve, stirring stick, and mint-colored chair is engineered to maximize profit—I mean—the consumer experience! Order coffee here to explore firsthand the fast-paced NYC culture. Get exposure to the busy Columbian life that will leave you spinning with homework assignments, excessively difficult club recruitment, and the Backrooms concept sketch that is Handshake!
2. Wait in line for Froyo at Mimi’s
If you haven’t been in line for Mimi’s Frozen Yogurt before, then you’ve yet to realize just how many Midwestern transplants call New York home. Take the 40-minute subway from campus for a three-hour wait time perfectly designed to let you finish The Odyssey on your phone as a substitute for actually reading it in LitHum, just like Nolan intended. Rest assured by the herd mentality of you and your many line companions that you are making the right choice.
3. Get a slice from Joe’s Pizza
Never mind the awfully convenient on-campus pizza options and the local (and Mamdani’s) favorite Koronet’s. If you’re in NYC, of course you need to get a slice from yours truly. Which of the 50 different Joe’s Pizzas should you go to? I don’t know. Are they all the same pizza, or are some secretly Joseph’s and Josiah’s masquerading as your humble Joe’s? I’m not sure either! The main drawing point is that Spiderman worked there: The mass memory wipe probably explains why, even though every trip to Joe’s ends in an aggressively mediocre slice, people like you keep going back.
4. Walk around Times Square to experience authentic NYC culture
Behold, the most famous hub in the world’s most famous city! Because what’s more worthy of fame than a bunch of glowing advertisements and mascots (don’t worry, they’re all real) fastidiously working their $5 photo scams? Times Square, our cathedral of consumerism, is bright and flashy—a bigger version of its famous disco ball. This boot camp accurately simulates the feeling of descending a staircase after your 10:10 ends or squeezing through that thin hallway at JJ’s after one too many drinks. All of the above might also be considered a paeon to historical Versailles, in the sense that it reminds you—up close and personal—of the value of deodorant.
5. Rent a Citi Bike and almost get hit by a scooter
While the NYC subway’s frequent delays teach you the value of patience, and its unexplained stickiness the value of carrying hand sanitizer, Citi Bikes prove to be the most convenient way to get around the Big Apple. That is, if you don’t mind spending half your time out planning the route to the next docking station to avoid the late fees every 30 minutes. Rent one in the blink of an eye by downloading the Citi Bike App. Then you can have the time of your life swerving and ducking in attempts to avoid the whizzing Uber Eats e-scooters that trespass bike lanes all the time in NYC. It’s like an urban version of Temple Run!
6. Spend an entire afternoon in SoHo buying absolutely nothing
Welcome, shoppers, to the fabulously expensive South of Houston Street, which is definitely pronounced like the city in Texas! Cosplay being in a higher income bracket than you actually are by posing in front of the cast-iron architecture, lavish window displays, and eateries heaped with decadent cakes that might be more expensive than going on Ozempic. Here, you can buy the latest trinkets that influencers have been obsessing over that went viral in China two summers ago—and are retailing for five times the price. Two years is simply vintage now—and Shein is much more convenient than the actual thrift stores; even the ones in (gasp!) Bed-Stuy have been overrun by trust fund babies pretending to be poor, soulful artists. At those prices, buying the latest barrel-leg-low-waisted-acid-washed-harem-pantaloon-jean in SoHo even starts to feel reasonable.
7. Take a picture in front of the Charging Bull
Did you know that the bronze Wall Street Bull symbolizes prosperity and America’s resilient economy? Well, now you do! When you’ve succumbed to the siren song of SoHo’s “indie” boutiques and bargained away your firstborn child, join the other tourists in line to take your photo in front of the bull. Or join the longer line waiting to take photos with, well, the other side of the bull instead. If, against all odds, you do manage to get a picture holding those dangly bits, you definitely need to make that your Linkedin profile photo.
Ms. Yang is a sophomore at Columbia College majoring in English and Comparative Literature. She is a staff writer for Sundial.
The opinions expressed in this article are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Sundial editorial board as a whole or any other members of the staff.
Don’t forget to leave a generous tip for the Times Square Elmos!
Very witty! Well done!