Our GS Geriatrics Answer Your Questions for the Last Time (Before Being Sent to The Villages)!
A farewell advice column from our beloved GS (School of General Studies) Geriatrics Clayton Smith and Nicholas Greyson Ward
At 29 and 30, respectively, Clay and Nicholas are so old they’re practically dead. However, before they go to the great beyond and their bodies are unceremoniously and classily thrown into the East River (per their request), they’re keen to pass on the wisdom they’ve gained over their innumerable years on this earth.
Nicholas has survived an awful car accident (three screws through the left hip), dropped out of college (just once), and worked as a freelance journalist (a source once called him from a payphone in the year of our Lord 2019). Clay has lived and traveled all over the U.S. and Europe, served in the Air Force for six years, and once ate ramen next to Chris Rock. Both of them have endured career highs and lows, suffered heartbreak, climbed mountains (Nicholas only did this metaphorically), and more.
Here’s what they have to say in their final column before graduating to our readers’ burning questions about life, love, and f*cking up.
My ex-boyfriend of three years and I broke up at the beginning of the fall, and subsequently I’ve been making a stream of extreme decisions. In the past month, I made out with a very close friend who is bi, who also kissed the guy that I was seeing but not committing to. The following week, I was briefly confused about my sexuality, told the friend about my feelings, to which she laughed, and then I was drunk so I called her a bi**h and bipolar. I tried to apologize but we don’t talk anymore. I then ended it with the guy I was seeing and hooked up with a freshman from my club a couple times, and during the most recent time I shared my life story with him afterwards, and it was embarrassing and awkward (because he didn’t ask for it). What is your advice on how to navigate my feelings? Or, how do I stop this cycle of emotional turmoil?
Clay Smith (CS):
Let me start by saying that I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling. Breaking up with a long-term partner can be life-shattering. I’m assuming you’re probably around 21, so a three-year relationship is quite literally all of your adult life. Naturally, you’re going to go through a period of post-relationship adjustment, which is often tumultuous. This is to be expected. There’s no need to panic.
My best advice is to just embrace the chaos for a little while, do some self-exploration, and trust that eventually you’ll reestablish some inner peace. That said, you would do well to apologize to anyone you mistreat while you’re in your chaos era. It is rarely a bad idea to mend fences.
Lastly, I would advise you to find an outlet for your emotions. You could try painting, making music, weightlifting, hiking—anything, really. If all else fails, long runs have a way of making the bad thoughts go away. Just make sure you do not become the type of person who talks about running nonstop. Those people are insufferable, and we would all prefer it if they went on a run and never came back.
Oh, and therapy. Go to therapy.
Nicholas Greyson Ward (NGW):
Clay is right. The end of any long-term relationship can feel life-shattering. There is no way around that. It is completely normal to feel a wide range of emotions and do unexpected things (even question your sexuality) when you break up with a long-term partner. I have definitely done my share of stupid things after a breakup, including drinking way too much and oversharing the intimate details of my life with anyone who would listen.
You can think of this breakup as presenting two opportunities: You either sleep with a bunch of new people or you swear off relationships altogether to focus on yourself. Either option will help you navigate your feelings.
Relationships are fun, but they also stop you from exploring opportunities with other people (unless you are a cheater). Sure, you may have overshared with your freshman hookup, but did you enjoy it otherwise? If you feel comfortable exploring your sexuality and feelings, now is the time to lean in and sleep with everyone you possibly can. Once you are in a relationship again, you won't be able to do that (again, unless you are a cheater).
It also might be best to focus on yourself. Relationships take up a lot of time, and perhaps you will find yourself concluding that sex is actually overrated. Being single gives you time to slow down and invest that energy elsewhere. You could take up a new hobby or get involved in extracurriculars.
Now is the perfect time to get weirdly into remote-controlled cars, Magic: The Gathering, or modular synthesizers (warning: picking up any of these hobbies may permanently lower your odds of getting laid again). You mentioned wanting to avoid the cycle of emotional turmoil—one of the best ways to do that is by staying just busy enough that you don’t have the time to spiral. I’ve had stretches of time where I put dating aside and just focused on myself, giving myself the space to actually process my feelings. If you are young, this is the time to do that. By the time you are my age and in a serious relationship, it’s harder to focus on yourself.
What advice do you have for younger students that you wish you knew when you were our age?
CS:
I’m going to steal a piece of advice from Scott Galloway: Pursuing a career doing what you love is, for most people, overrated. Pursuing a career based on what you’re good at is highly underrated. Forge a career doing something you have a natural aptitude for, even if it is not your favorite thing.
If you are good at a job, you will excel at it. That means you will make more money more quickly. Money might not buy happiness, but it helps fund the things that make you happy. Do you like basketball? Money buys you courtside seats. Do you like playing piano? Steinways are real nice, but they ain’t cheap.
Money also buys freedom. If you’ve got money in the bank, you have the leeway to quit a crappy job, take last minute trips, and live where you want to. You can’t do those things living paycheck to paycheck as a struggling actor.
The other thing to keep in mind is that people tend to become passionate about the things they are good at—even if they don’t seem glamorous. I have an old friend who loves sales so much that he has probably read a hundred books on the subject. You know why? Because he loves being the best at it, and that brings a sense of pride and accomplishment. Making well over $300,000 a year with a clear path to seven figures also probably helps.
I just got into sales myself. What can I say? I like expensive cigars, taking my wife out to nice restaurants, and giving generous tips to the aspiring actors who serve us our food.
NGW:
Figure out what you want as a student, especially when you are at a school like Columbia. To do that, ask yourself why you are here. Are you here to land a great job straight out of college? If so, you should focus more on networking and less on your grades. If your goal is law school or medical school, then you should focus on your grades and relationships with your professors. For academia in particular, relationships really matter. If you want to be involved in academic research, for example, you’ll need to be proactive and ask professors about their work.
Clay's point about knowing what you're good at is excellent advice. But I think there’s value in balancing what you are good at with what you want. If you know you aren't strong in math or science but dream of being a physician, you need to be honest with yourself. Medicine might not be for you!
When I first came to Columbia, I thought I would finish my degree and go back to working as a journalist. I knew I was good at it. As time went on, I realized that journalism would never grant me economic security. Choosing to walk away from journalism wasn’t easy, but it was me balancing what I am good at with my long-term goals.
My other advice would be to try to find your social circle as early as you can. To be honest, it wasn't until my senior year that I really found my place at Columbia. I did well academically, but I felt out-of-place my first semester here. If you're a freshman or sophomore and haven't found your place yet—there's still time! I don't think I made a close friend at Columbia until I met Clay in one of my summer courses. Clay encouraged me to join Sundial, and being part of Sundial is what made Columbia worth it for me. I found my place pretty late. But it's better to find it late than never at all.
Cool stick or cool rock?
CS:
Cool stick, and it's not even close. A cool stick has endless imaginary martial potential. Depending on size and shape, it could be a rifle, sword, mage’s staff, pistol, boomerang—you name it. Prepubescent Clay got hours of entertainment after finding one of those bad boys in the woods. The modern, post-pubescent Clay finds that they often make excellent walking sticks.
Basically, a cool stick’s utility changes from fanciful to practical as we grow older, just as we shed our childhood pastimes for more mature pursuits.
A cool rock, while cool (as the name implies), is really only cool to look at. It wouldn’t do much for a child’s game of pretend, and has limited utility in adulthood. Don’t get me wrong—if I find an especially cool rock, I’m likely to take it home and put it on my desk, but then it’s been rendered down to merely a semi-interesting paperweight.
NGW:
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I could also do a lot with both.
You could keep a cool rock as a pet. A cool rock is endlessly versatile. Think about all the car windows you could smash to take all the goodies inside! (Disclaimer: I am not advocating that you do this.)
As for a cool stick, well, you can walk with one. You could poke your significant other and your friends with it. The minute before my girlfriend falls asleep, I have an incessant need to tell her every single thought running through my mind. Imagine how much more annoying I could be if I had a cool stick to poke her with.
More importantly, sticks let you poke dangerous things that you absolutely should not touch with your hands. In high school, my friends and I found a dead drop of black tar heroin tied to a tree alongside a trail. If we had a cool stick, then we could have totally poked it and checked it out.
Mr. Smith is a senior editor. He is a senior at the School of General Studies studying political science, and an Air Force veteran.
Mr. Ward is a staff editor. He is a senior at the School of General Studies majoring in political science and is a Saltzman Institute Student Scholar.