Our GS Geriatrics Answer Your Questions!
Clayton Smith and Nicholas Ward, resident old heads at Sundial, offer their opinions to wisdom-seeking readers.
At 29 and 30, respectively, Clay and Nicholas are so old they’re practically dead. However, before they go to the great beyond and their bodies are unceremoniously and classily thrown into the East River (per their request), they’re keen to pass on the wisdom they’ve gained over their innumerable years on this earth.
Nicholas has survived an awful car accident (three screws through the left hip), dropped out of college (just once), and worked as a freelance journalist (a source once called him from a payphone in the year of our Lord 2019). Clay has lived and traveled all over the U.S. and Europe, served in the Air Force for six years, and once ate ramen next to Chris Rock. Both of them have endured career highs and lows, suffered heartbreak, climbed mountains (Nicholas only did this metaphorically), and more.
Here’s what they have to say in response to our readers’ burning questions about life, love, and f*cking up.
“I am nervous. I don’t love my girlfriend and never have. I don’t know how to bring it up. I don’t want to lose her, but I don’t want to string her along. Help!”
Nicholas (NGW): This is a tough situation to be in. First, I think you need to decide whether or not you want to stay with your girlfriend. You say that you don’t love her, but you also say that you don’t want to lose her. Maybe you just want to stay with her because you like her and don’t necessarily love her. If you don’t like her or love her, you owe it to her and yourself to break up. If you are going to break up, you should tell her you lost feelings for her—which gets close to the truth without being an outright lie. You will have to break up with her in person, as that's the only way to give her a chance to fully respond emotionally. Definitely don't tell her you got this advice from a column though.
Clay (CS): I think you already know what you have to do—you’re just afraid to do it. Life is too short to stay in a relationship with someone you don’t love, so dump her ASAP. She might be upset at first, but eventually she’ll appreciate that you didn’t waste her time. I’ve been in a very similar situation and it took me longer than I’d care to admit to follow the advice I’m giving you now. Breaking up with someone is often extremely painful, even more so than being broken up with, but once you do it you’ll feel relieved. Or you could resign yourself to living a lie for the rest of your life. Up to you.
.“I am in GS and not young (I am currently 23) and I feel so behind compared to traditional students here. They have achieved far more things in their young age.”
NGW: As a GS student, I think it’s impossible not to feel this way. Even now in my senior year, it is still difficult to fully wrap my head around some of the things that Columbia College, Barnard, and Columbia Engineering students have accomplished at their age. But comparing yourself to others at Columbia is a losing game. Everyone here is an overachiever to some degree, so you will always find others who have done “more” than you. The healthiest mindset is to realize that everyone has their own timeline for accomplishment, and achieving things at an older age does not diminish your worth whatsoever. So take the pressure off yourself. You don’t need to cure cancer AND solve the Israel-Palestine conflict until you’re at least 25.
CS: Here’s the deal: We all compare ourselves to others, and we all suffer feelings of inadequacy as a result. However, I think a big mistake we often make is only comparing ourselves to the people around us, and only to those who are doing particularly well. It’s important to remember that you’re at an elite university. That means you’re part of a student body where the average work ethic, intellect, and ambition is much higher than that of the general population. Don’t just compare yourself to the try-hards in Morningside—compare yourself to everyone else too.
What’s more, you probably have tunnel vision. When we compare ourselves to others, we tend to hyper-fixate on the people who seem to be doing much better than us. But if you widen your aperture, you might notice there are a lot of students who are only just managing to get by, or even struggling to keep up. You might notice that even if you’re not among the most accomplished, you’re actually doing about as well or even better than most of the other students here.
Oh, and one last thing. TWENTY-THREE IS YOUNG. Just because you’re not 19 anymore doesn’t mean it’s too late to make something of yourself. Remember that the average age at GS is about 26, so in that context, you’re actually ahead of the game. However, I will note that Alexander the Great had already conquered Persia by the time he was about your age, so maybe I’m being too lax.
“How do you meet people organically and not on dating apps?”
NGW: Believe it or not, the best way to meet people organically is to attend in-person events. Joining a club centered around an interest or hobby could be a good start. Approaching someone new and having a great conversation feels natural when you already have shared interests.
Otherwise, meeting people organically often comes down to luck. For instance, I went out with somebody who lives in my building because she had just moved in, I was recently single, and she was really cute. I say “was” because we’re not seeing each other anymore (Not because she’s dead. In fact, she'll probably read this). As Mark Twain once said, “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails.” Just make sure the trade winds are also interested in a long-term romantic commitment.
CS: Nicholas is 100 percent correct. If you want to meet people IRL, you have to do things IRL. Join a club, go to a party, attend a seminar, or go out to bars. Here’s the thing though: Once you go to these events, you’ll actually have to talk to people. Here are a few basic tips to get you started:
Do your best to come up with a creative compliment to start an interaction. Avoid crude comments about their anatomy (or yours) and stick with something that will make them feel like you have a connection. Cool pieces of clothing or interesting tattoos make great subjects for compliments.
Try and gauge how they’re responding to you. Leaning in, eye contact, and smiles are all good signs. Eye rolls, gagging, or slaps to the face are less promising. If you find yourself getting a lot of the latter, you might need to double-check that you’re following my “no crude comments about physical appearance” rule.
Once you’re in a conversation, do more listening than talking. What’s more, really pay attention. People like to feel heard, and the best way to do that is to show them that you find them genuinely interesting. It’s said that former president (and notable ladies’ man) Bill Clinton could make someone feel like they were the only other person in the room no matter how crowded it was, just by listening to them intently. Be like Bill—just promise not to use your newfound powers of seduction on any White House interns.
Don’t let rejection take the wind out of your sails. Getting rejected stings a lot more in person than on the apps, but you’ll get past it. Remember that the worst they can do is say “no” (well actually, you could get laughed at, insulted, or pepper sprayed, but those sorts of things almost never happen).
The more you put yourself out there, the more comfortable you’ll be with approaching people. Practice makes perfect.
I’d also encourage you to not give up on the apps entirely. I know a few people who’ve found great partners on dating apps. I just got engaged to someone I met on Hinge, but I had to endure a few awkward dates before I matched with her (I once went out with a girl whose father died in the middle of our date).
“What is one piece of wisdom you wish you knew when you were 20?”
NGW: I wish I had known that life takes a lot of unexpected twists and turns. Your plans will not always work out and it may be the case that your plans will fail more often than they succeed. When they fail, you need to be resilient enough to keep your head up and push through. Something I am still grappling with at 30 is a constant need to feel like I am in control of every situation and to plan for every contingency and possible failure. It is healthy to have a Plan B, but you have to fully accept that life will sometimes throw a wrench at you when you least expect it.
CS: Here’s a hot take for you. If you had good role models growing up (maybe you didn’t, but let’s say that you did), then you probably have 90 percent of the wisdom you’ll ever need. It’s not rocket science. You already know timeless nuggets like “work ethic beats talent,” “don’t live above your means,” “personality matters more than looks,” and “always wear a helmet.” I could go on. They’re all a bit cliché, but they’re all true. The issue is that you can’t just know them—you have to take them to heart. If you’re like me when I was in my early twenties, you probably need to learn things the hard way. All of that is to say, I wish I’d been able to heed the many wisdoms I already knew when I was younger.
“Should I buy $100,000 of Hawk Tuah coin while the price is low??”
NGW: Go all in! I once had a chance to make an early investment in what is now a very big tech company and I very stupidly didn’t do it. I could be sipping cocktails in the Bahamas right now, but I didn’t invest. Now I’m applying to law school!
CS: If I am certain of one thing in this life, it’s that Hailey Welch will become one of the biggest internet celebrities of our generation—a true sigma. For that reason, I am extremely bullish on Hawk Tuah coin. If you want to get Skibadee Toilet rich on cryptocurrency, click on dat thang and buy it!
Mr. Smith is a senior editor. He is a senior at the School of General Studies studying political science, and an Air Force veteran.
Mr. Ward is a staff editor. He is a senior at the School of General Studies majoring in political science and is a Saltzman Institute Student Scholar.