Five Things to Do After an Election Loss
Losing an election is hard. Here’s what you should do to process it.
As an athlete and a Kamala voter (not satire), I can tell you that losing is hard. It’s not easy to get over a loss, especially when my swim meets are as close as this election was projected to be. However, all of these projections were thrown out the window—“the people” had other ideas, and it turned out to be a blowout of paradigm-shifting proportions.
I know you’re disappointed about the outcome of the election. Honestly, I am, too. I was looking forward to Kamala Harris’ victory speech being about her upbringing in a “middle-class family.” Fortunately, there are ways to get over a loss like this (as my teammates and I know too damn well), like drinking…and drinking…and drinking…and also reflecting. And even better, there are healthier ways to get over a loss and make the best of your new life, so here are five things you should be doing:
Listen to brat on repeat: If you can’t stand Kamala Harris being out of the picture, this album is sure to keep her essence in your mind. If Charli XCX said that “kamala IS brat,” then you’ve gotta respect it—after all, it’s her album! And, besides, nothing beats the feeling of submitting to Project 2025 while doing the “Apple” dance. It’s certainly much more palatable than listening to the Joe Rogan Experience, right?
Buy a cat: That way, everyone can become a “childless cat lady,” as JD Vance put it. Who knows—hopefully, you all can collect an army of cats to overwhelm the new Republican Congress with cuteness (and I’m not talking about people who identify as kittens…), and maybe they’ll have more sympathy for you all. January 6 was pretty bad, but if you did it with a bunch of cats, it may work out for you.
Accept your future as a McDonald’s worker: It worked for Trump, so you might consider replacing your doom scrolling and time spent debating Karl Marx in Contemporary Civilization with something that might actually get swing voters to vote for you: giving them a Big Mac, a McFlurry, and a serving of 30-piece McNuggets.
Set up an encampment: As everyone knows, the protests last year achieved their goal of world peace, so a “Kamala Solidarity Encampment” right on the White House doorstep is in order—Trump might just resign.
Don’t kill anyone: Yes, having Trump in the White House again may suck. But that’s no excuse to pull a Kathy Griffin…or Thomas Crooks…or Ryan Wesley…or even a Khameini. I know he’s a big target, but violence is never the answer. And why kill a man when he will make life easier for Americans by removing the stress of voting? Under Trump, “you won’t have to vote anymore,” so why stress about elections and all that fuss? Voting is hard, folks—so hard, in fact, that very few Americans do it anyways (relative to the rest of the world).
So, my fellow Kamala supporters, don’t fret. Keep your heads up high and make the best of your life in part II of the “Trumpocalypse.” You’ll triumph over Project 2025 like nothing else—and you definitely won’t be a sore loser complaining that the election was stolen…right?
Mr. Engel is a senior at Columbia College studying history and a staff writer for Sundial.